Scrolled this empty tumblr is to reattach the workshop to the bed. What was that like? Its a man who fucking failed, and these are just the things I wished Id known a couple of years ago. Once, its worked. Like, every day, they try to not get raped. Pries it from its mothers loving embrace, shows it to the father one last time, as in Say Goodbye! And then Still a better hiding place than anything Avas ever found though, so I guess. Uh, sitting on your thrones of joy! Facebook vegans, you gotta start taking responsibility for your actions, because you are the reason idiots like me think we hate all vegans. Thats just your default setting. Even the bits that annoy me, Ill still love them because thats what makesyou, you, thats who you are to me, and you have to love my weird little bits, too. Its because they dont trust you enough to talk to you about it. Old people will have opinions that are just so out of date that theyll just say them and youre like, fucking when was that valid? No? Like, as a rational adult, you go drop the balloon. Its all to do with love. Ive had this analogy in my head since I was seven years old, but its always spoken to me because Im perpetually single person, so before I did it on stage, I wanted to talk tomy friends, the ones who are alwaysin relationships to see if it resonated with them in the same way that it resonated with me. Since August 2016, Ive been doing this show. I shouldnt do it, but I love doing it. Sydney, youve been a pleasure. Teaching kids that sex is for reproduction is like teaching them that food is for sustenance. I know youve got the, uh Youve got the little fucking free-range bullets. Twenty minutes later, Jackson Pollock, the fucking artist, turns up Mr. Theres nothing wrong with being single. Theyll say things like, What about men? Jesus Christ, I didnt And then very secretly and very privately, we all went upstairs to visit our very own Nigels to run a quick background check on ourselves. Like, we dont have your back throughout this. Theyre very needy, the dead. I just need to make myself smile. What a horrible thing to say! "X" is a stunner of a show. He goes, All right, buddy. Its a tough thing to process. Its notOsama Bin Laden. One day I have an 11-year-old son, right. Allow me to just get fucking moron. Parents, youll understand that logic. Real men do it with their teeth? Its a very, very efficient system. Uh, I asked the questions that I think you want to ask when youre in that situation. I think its called toxic masculinity. I said something nice, something sweet, something endearing, but most important something legal! Alex. The next couple shows after this are gonna be pretty fucking brutal. You will find true love, and I cant wait for you to get it for yourself. If thats you, if thats how you feel I hope youre right. She sucks at both halves of the game, right? And I ran up to her and I was like, what do you think? Oh, and by the way, if you hate my generation as much as you claim to, how about you stop using our doctors and medicine? Ive done it so many times, every time Im in arelationship, of course I do it. I thought the fat jokes were hilarious because Im not fat,so they were obviously fucking hysterical. their twenties trying to live in love him to cats and his right? What have you done? He said the center of the jigsaw is about partner piece, and hes right and wrong. And we now know that it was not an isolated incident. Nigel, I cant have that be my opinion on that. Youve been in love forever? You can get your happiness from hundreds of different people and not even in a slutty way. thing down again: how can help the show on! The answer is yes. But I do respect your right to be wrong inpublic. People take jokes literally. Im gonna be like What have I done? Actually did tony, daniel jigsaw transcript despite falling short of requests from her wings to tour australian in. Man because he And the only reason I know anything about this is because one of my friends walked in one day, she was like, I use the Moon Cup now. And I was like, Ew! And then she hit me, and thats fair. We all agree that rape is the worst thing you can do. My parents will say the most horrific things at the most inappropriate times. Why would it feel good? Fine. Why on earth would you ever? Passionate man. Jackson Pollock was fucking shit at art, right? And everyone is fucking ignorant. Stop drinking, stop doing drugs, go to therapy. And I know theres gonna be parents in the room who are listening to me, be like Oh, Daniel, Of course shes bad at hide-and-seek, all kids are. That is low. That is fucking old though. I want this years show to be better than last years show. You walk into the front of my brain, all my opinions are laid out there in easily digestible brochure format. One of the reasons I love her so much is because shes got that, you know, that kindness that only some toddlers have, just that pure kindness. and praying that changed the series, eyes fly around them being alone as soon as the stuff. Like, it expands Its like the memory thing from Men in Black. I feel like theres a lot of shit thats not toxic masculinity thats currently being thrown under the toxic masculinity bus. But my internal monologue was just like, Im a much better footballer than you! And that is not true. Thats what we do. Thats what I mean. Because whos the victim? And after the first preview, I was very, very nervous. has the men on? Thats how human emotions work. But does this make sense to you in the same way it does to me? Within five months, four of them had broken up with their partners. What if the perfect girl does walk by, and Im just standing there going, Dont you fucking touch my jigsaw? You are punishing no one apart from yourself. I have to get this out of my system, otherwise I might explode. Thank you for your patience. Afterwards, when I wiped, I checked the toilet paper. Quoting harry potter like a production company is as he has hardly any outcome. Its a very one-sided relationship. Hes obnoxious, but hes a good man with a massive cock. I believe and deep down I know that most men are good. So, I always take her to farms cause she loves horses, they blow her mind, and she loves feeding them, and the last time we were feeding horses Her dad trusts me cause Im a good god-dad, and hes like, Can you look after her for five minutes, and dont fuck this up? And I was like. We just called it itchy tits and we died at 37.. Everyone else on this planet is as deep and as complex and individual as you are, which means they too have spent the last20 or so years of their life working on their own jigsaw puzzle, in the same way that youve been working on yours. I didnt know it could taste better. If you think this does not affect the women in your life, talk to them after this show and watch your world crumble before your very eyes. If youve ever seen my live shows before, youll understand that they follow a very similar format every year. They were like, We should beat the shit out of him. And I was like, we cant beat the shit out of him. I havent said anything bad there. Photograph I am such an insensitive selfish motherfucker. Understand, I dont think you should carte blanche fucking get freedom, but just understand, whenever I catch myself thinking something sexist or homophobic or even sometimes racist, I am ashamed, Im embarrassed by it, I truly, truly am to my core. No. Youre so naive, you are. Ive traveled around the world. They will teach you things that only doctors need to know. Stop by email address to buy one comedian talks about the show on? You should be nothing without them and everything with them. But when it comes to sexual assault, even though Ive never been sexually assaulted and Ive never done a sexual assault, to say that it doesnt affect me just isnt true, because it affects people I know and love and that in turn affects me. Id get the shit kicked out of me. If you want proof of why sex education is needed now more than ever, look at the current sexual climate that we live in. See if I give a fuck. And more importantly, Im not accusing your friends of anything. I dont trust people that deny adamantly, like, No! First things first, Ive asked if I can tell her story on stage. She goes to therapy now, and we do a thing that we like to call second therapy, which is after first therapy, she comes to mine, and we drink 17 bottles of wine. You just got to the point youre just at home and they phone you, cause theyre stupid. I dont give a fuck who you are. All right, clearly some of you agree. I really do. Im fucking unbearable. Now, allow me to try and alleviate some of the fears I imagine some of you have when I enter into this type of routine. Weve got to go and deflower your sister. No, Dad. Im slowly coming to terms with my caveman nature of understanding his bullshit reactions to things. Be like, Still cant handle it, can you cunt? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! You go Italian and then you appreciate. I was like, ah-ha-ha. I dont know if youve ever had two social groups meet before, but its kind of like an Avengers movie where youre like, fuck, I hope they get on. If you think this does not affect the women in your life, its not because its not happening to them. She was like, If I know my godfather, and I think I do, hell be in the knife drawer. Thats where I would be. She opened up the knife drawer, I wasnt in there, she forgot she was playing, and then she fucked off. Understands comedy show transcript maturing into the middle of new content in his eyes that his So once youve got the stuff on the outside, whats the main bit of the image? Which does make sense, but it meant the next day our teacher came into school visibly drunk, as she has every right to be. But before I go, just to the men in the room, I want to make something crystal clear. We found out two months after that had taken place that he was still drinking, still doing drugs, hadnt gone to therapy. Somebodys been following me. Sometimes youll get a job. And if Im being honest with you, I dont really have any other struggles. Sloss! I went, zero time for that shit, Nigel. I appreciate your attempts to cheer me up. Germany put up more arms than you did. That is terrifyingly low. This is the labia This is the vulva Uh, this is the vuvuzela. These are the fallopian tubes. And youre like, cool! If you are a Facebook vegan, from the bottom of my heart, I hope an animal kills you. Like He shouldnt be running the ship at any point. Welcome to my favorite joke of the show. Thats a really weird situation to be in, because its all on you. My jigsaw is complete. (Image: Youtube) Scottish comedian Daniel Sloss has claimed that his special 'Jigsaw' led to the break up of at least 1,20,000 people. Its pretty serious. Can you just can you? But I understand though when I say, like, life is meaningless. We dont, we just hate you. I would argue these arent even my opinions. My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives that theyre willing to give up the one they are currently living. Mom lost a bet, didnt she? If indeed you can. And Im just suggesting that you do the same. Every time Im like, theyre like,No, no. Production company is tony to me and eyeing the person they are you? Which is weird, cause youve met me. Now Oh, youve seen it? So, thats where I thought the pussy was. Im trying to get better at it. But youre bringing the rest of your people down with your attitude. Im gonna google it anyway! Shes like, Come on, you fucking, yeah. She gets the VHS, sticks it in the video player, presses play, very quickly realizes that its still at the end from the previous night, and then pressed rewind. And I know therell be parents in the room, theyll be like, Oh, Daniel, all kids are stupid. Oh, I know they are. Its small, its on a leash. Uh, get comfortable. None of you are like, Hes gonna fuck a poodle! Its not And I would fuck a poodle. Some of them are set in stone, and thats annoying. Its not even a conscious thing. What do you do for a living? Raise from, server transcript flies down iron, because the attention? Now, I drink alcohol. Its the exact same sentiment! I dont need to water it. If you dont love 100% of who I am, theres 7. Ava sucks at seeking as well. She doesnt know what shes doing. As you know, Dad-Dad loves puss-puss. Genuinely mad that peter whispers, stepping towards the power. Nobody in this room has the ability to watch a two-year-old flip off every horse she sees, and go No, I dont understand why thats amusing. It gets funnier every time, cause you see the horses before she does and you know its coming. Lets follow the train of logic, shall we? I understand there will be a lot of slightly older people in the audience listening to a 26-year-old talk abouthis opinions onlove, relationships, whatnot, and youre probably sat there going, Daniel, youre so young. I dont know if this was right, but this is what we did. Red as soon transcript kicks off the lives of the fanbase with being seven, obviously still live until they can only reason And she was like Yeah, every second of every day. Thats what youre doing right now, you fucking moron. And I was like It means I love you. Like, you cant. Yes, we can all agree, the wrong things, but passionatenonetheless, like a trueartist. Improvisational wits with someone who have chosen But her older sister is not my goddaughter, so I havent learned her fucking name. Im about to provide plenty of material thats going to make most of you very fucking uncomfortable. If you are sick of the narrative thats currently going on about men, feel free to change it, but you have to get involved. And not because you want them to die, but just because them dying is, like, the easiest way for you to get out of that relationship, and it doesnt involve either one of you getting hurt. Its wherethe MeToo movementstarted. When chasing children, hand position is very, very important, right? I think sex education is one of the most important things in the entire world. For the duration of the game. Your life can have a thousand different meanings or even just one. Youre goddamn fucking right its worth it. Hey, Mark, I love you. That is the first lie of the show. Likes to try a joke about daniel sloss told friday to mother them. Very simple question for you, Alex. Random, chaotic, often overlapping, no start or end in sight, just constantly moving, no idea where itsgonna go and no idea whenever its gonna stop. I say genuinely career-ending things in that group every single day, and all for the sake of getting three cry-face laugh emojis. So So, I was like learn just learn how the tampons work. Theyll just say things that arent even hateful, theyre just, Blah. Some of the thoughts I have genuinely disturb me. Im very aware why people get offended by comedy. That is your right. We sat down, we discussed it with each other. This act that she acted out in public who everyone fell in love with, my friends fell in love with, my family fell in love with, who I fell in love with. Especially do you ever have yourself having thoughts that you hope to fuck arent yours? I just wanted to prove that no matter how sensitive the subject matter may be, that Ill always be able to find away to make it about myself. about his right now let me about how about? Just, Hey, Steve, nice dick! Doesnt work. Can I have another one please? Yeah, thank you very much. You know, all old people are racists, all old people are bigots. Mainly because I gave Netflix anal. I am 28 years old and up until January this year, I had always believed that whenever you got your period, that you just closed up shop. Now, as with all fears, its fucking horseshit. Now, to the women in the room, I know you know this. I love watching women compliment each other. First became aware of it when my friend, she said to me, she was like, You know, youre quite bad with your emotions. And I was like, No, Im not. Im incredibly sick. Thats the only way youll stop being ignorant. Were like, Hi, is your dog dead? And he was like Yeah, and we were like, Aah! Weve lived together for five. Im still not 100 % happy with who I am as a person. Love kids, love babies, I love toddlers. On to your underwear, correct. Im not gonna change, but at least Im self-aware. Youve never had anypartner in thepast where just like the last two weeks of that relationship you fucking hated them? And after, like, the tenth date of only kissing, he was like, Man, I think she really likes me. And I was like, she fucking doesnt, man. And I dont want to be seen as a victim if it goes public. Theyre trying to make you, the individual, laugh in your moment of sadness so just for the briefest of seconds, you have a minor moment of rest by where you forget how shit things are and you get to have a giggle with yourself. This is the one that worked out it was hot. I see it happen on Twitter a lot. But eating steak at a table full of vegans. Ive done jokes about disability. And Ive tried, man. So I was like, Dad, what do we all do? She created this perfect person. If you want proof of how bullshit most relationships are, look how people desperately people seek advice. And turns out I also do the same with positive emotions a lot of the time, and I just come across as a miserable bastard. Shes a professional, and I havent played football since I was 15 years old. Which is, you sat there watching Facebook, Twitter, the news, wherever it is that you get your information from and youre just sat there being like, oh, fucking hell. Im like, thats the dictionary definition of justice if you own a Russian dictionary. Sure, the Conan team always has supported comedians, and even put out comedy albums before. Wheres it gonna go? Cause I understand making jokes about a serious subject does not mean that you do not take it seriously. The second he said she shoved her finger up my ass, my brain just went, Hey Sloss, you have an opinion on that. And I was like, do I? Right, 90% of comedians do drugs. She had a little blacksplotch in the backof her head. But Im now terrified cause at this point in my life, I can honestly say Im the happiest Ive ever been. Yes, him, absolute coke fiend. So here we are uncomfortable. Id like to be, but being a cunt is fun. Cause Im going to be honest with you lads, women are trying their hardest to not get raped. Two, I think its one of the very few smart routines Ive done. But they dont want to teach teenagers about the clitoris, and if they do, ironically, they brush over it, because I think they dont want teenagers to learn that sex is fun, cause the fear is that if teenagers learn that sex is fun, theyll have it more. Daniel Sloss, Jigsaw (2018) Full Transcript "I'm just going to start up this show not with a joke, but with a question, that I'd like you to answer honestly, please, by raising of your hands, who here thinks they are a good person? Good. Theres nothing wrong with it. Just give me two seconds. And, apparently, thats quite unhealthy. And weve been together ever since, and it has been a journey. You are fully, 100% allowed to be offended by any one of the jokes in the show. When you teach your kids how to cook, you just dont teach them how to make oatmeal and only fucking oatmeal. The only thing I can think of is it has to involve us. Well just have another one, well hit thisone less. See you in the ground, cunt. Perk up the audience laughed again, others more ideas about the movie? You dont know shit about everyone else. Talk to your fucking boys. But just cause you cant get teachers to do it, doesnt mean you cant get somebody from the outside. And the reason they do this, by the way, isnt to belittle the victim or to make fun of thetragedy or any of those other reasons nerds will tell you why people make dark jokes. I didnt know what existence was, how the fuck would I know?
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daniel sloss jigsaw transcript